The Ireem Chronicles can report that, last night Ireem was under siege by a group of naked women bandits. They ran-sacked the city and captured some esteemed members of the city, including the owner of an eatery who will remain anonymous to protect his image.

According to eye witness reports, the women descended to the front of the city gates, lead by a somewhat fearsome black haired woman, all clad in nothing by their birthday suits and maybe a hint of excessive body hair (the eye witness was not close enough to identify the amount nor the position of said body hair in the women, for fear of retribution) and armed with spears and other weapons. They have performed a ritual dance in the front of the city gate, much in the style of spring birds in heat. Gradually a small crowd was formed and when a few citizens with decency (which seems to be a rarity these days) confronted the shameless performance by the naked women, they were brutally attacked and captured.

The incident lasted a few hours until the leader of the bandits declared victory and after performing another victory dance, this time in the style of summer chicken swimming in the warm river (Ed: No, we have no idea what that looks like either) , they have retreated back to their hiding place.

The captured eatery owner was last seen being taken away by a red hair naked bandit with a rather large butt and very nice chest piece. Any information that will lead to the discovery of his whereabouts will be awarded with a small reward.

The rumour of further invasion, possibly lead by an infamous granny, has yet to be confirmed. A spokesman from the knight HQ urged all citizens to remain calm and carry on their usual business. He also suggested all citizens should carry extra coins with them, since it’s good manners to tip the women who dance naked in front of them.

Velvet, the beautiful leader of Simoon clan, was talking to the Ireem Chronicles tonight, in our brand new feature, Little Chat.


(Little Chat) Well, Velvet. Welcome to the Chronicles. How are you today?

(Velvet) *smiles sweetly as she lifts her hand and sweeps her fringe away from her forehead slowly* I’m very well and yourself?

Very good. You have recently become the Leader of the Simoon Clan. Tell us a bit more about that?

*smiles proudly* We a small clan but we strive on honesty, loyalty and most of all dedication to each other and to other deserving people

Let's move on from the introductory question and cut to something that our reader will be interested it. Would you have go out on a date with Knight Commander Ash, if it's for say a charitable cause?"

*giggles* It would have to be a very special charity close to my heart, so the answer to that questions will be yes if it suits my requirements

Would the requirements including Ash must take a bath before and tied his hands behind his back during the whole time?

No the first requirements would be that he is no longer a married man and yes he could do with a bath

Let's move on to the next subject. You are widely considered as one of the nicest person in Ireem. What is the meanest thing you've ever done to anyone in here?

Teasing the Knights? *giggle* I once peed in their pot in front of the headquarters? i don’t know, there are too many to think of right now

Did you get caught?

No it was just my sisters Juliet and Stardust, we were slightly intoxicated at the time

Let's move on to your friends then. You have many friends in the city, at least judging from the number of people who claimed to be your friends. But you if you can only invite 3 of them for dinner, who would they be?"

Icy, Sonya and Juliet

And would you cook or would you order the kebab from the Fatted Calf

Ooh I would definitely cook a hearty meal for them with lots of good rum and I might even get some slave men to entertain us while we eat

Speaking of cooking, what is your favourite dish to cook?

My best dish to cook would be camelstew

Would you say cooking is more challenging than fighting the slavers?

Oh yes definitely, the slavers are a breeze

What would you consider as an ideal night out in Ireem?

I would like all the men oiled, with their hands tied behind their backs and on their knees, with a few to serve us woman drinks, lots of rum, good music and heirija must be wafting through the streets

if we are to make a play about your life, who would you like to play your character in the play?

I would think Sonya

If you could have a magical power for one day, what would that be?

That the storm clouds would rain down hearts with bows wrapped around them and fill the streets of Ireem with love and peace

Fish or Lamb?


Tall man or Short man?


Children, boy or girl?


if you get trap in a boat, slaver or undead as companion


Well thank you very much for taking time speaking to us

*Giggles* Thank you for your time

Exclusive: The Palace has announced the engagement of Princess Lillie and Prince Fy

The Ireem Chronicles are excited to reveal that our beloved Princess Lillie will be marrying Prince Fy in March later this year.

Speaking at the Palace in the city, the soon-to-be couple said that they were “thrilled and delighted” at the prospect and that counting down to the big day would be the most painful wait (Obviously the Prince and Princess never needed to queue for bread in the city before.)

When spoken to, her majesty the Sultana said she was also “absolutely delighted” at the news. During a meeting with your correspondent who congratulated her on the news, her majesty said, “It is brilliant news, and hopefully we will bring some loving and joyful moments for the city as well as our family,” and predicted a “great day of celebration in Ireem.”

Several leaders and important members of the court also echoed the sentiment.

Full details of the wedding plans have yet to be announced. The official statement only said the wedding will take place on the 12th of March in the city of Ireem. A beach party has not yet been ruled out.

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